Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday, August 1, 2008
Surviving the Worst Day Ever
Dear Sheila,
When something bad happens to me during the day I think, oh no, here we go again. invariably, once a bad thing happens the whole day continues to go sour and by the end of the day I’m so upset all I want to do is go home, ignore everything I need to do (I’m usually a very productive person) and sit in front of the TV and zone out. I’ve even been known to take a few days off because I’m still in such a bad mood. It just seems like a domino effect when some aspect of my day falls apart, i.e. getting a parking ticket, finding out a client has reversed his decision and the project I’ve been working on for weeks is no longer needed, etc. I don’t understand why everything else goes bad once my day gets headed in the wrong direction. I’m not a superstitious person but I cannot shake the idea that I’m powerless to stop the day from completely tanking, turning into a nightmare and feeling like the worst day ever. Why does this happen to me?
-Downhill Dave in Mukilteo
Dear Dave,
Yuck. Sounds like you believe you are in quicksand and, in a way, you are! Because you BELIEVE you are powerless to change the direction of your day you continue to perceive every new event in the worst light, trapping you deeper and deeper in the muck of negativity. On another day, when you haven’t already decided things are going wrong I’ll bet if you were to get a parking ticket, for example, you might see it as an inconvenient hassle but not catastrophic.
Here are some ways to approach the events of a potentially bad day:
1. Check in with yourself after the first event to see what your negative expectations are for the rest of the day. Are you anticipating disaster and thus finding it everywhere? In other words, are you creating a self- fulfilling prophesy?
2. Are you distorting events, making them worse than they truly are? Cognitive distortions play a big part in how we feel about events and ourselves. If you are making comments after getting a parking ticket, for example, like “great, now my day is ruined!” How can it not be? You’ve just set yourself up for a nasty day. Watch out for exaggerations that you are buying into with words like: ruined, awful, worst, always, never, etc. Typically, events don’t actually fall into these categories.
3. Are there any advantages that come from having a bad day? I know this sounds strange but usually there is some sort of payoff to our thinking be it positive or negative. You mentioned that you are usually very productive? Could it be that having a bad day is a way you can give yourself permission to chill out and not think or do anything for a little while? Allowing yourself some downtime even when things are going well may be a way to diminish a subconscious need for bad days just so you can check out for a little while.
4. An alternative tack if you just can’t turn your thinking around would be to simply accept the day’s bad events and say to yourself, “yup, crummy day-no big deal. So what. I’ve gotten through this before and I’ll get through it again.” Sometimes, just accepting the “inevitable” gives us room to let go, stop trying to control the situation and move through the negativity faster than if we’re fighting it and actually aggravating the situation .
Here’s to better days ahead.
When something bad happens to me during the day I think, oh no, here we go again. invariably, once a bad thing happens the whole day continues to go sour and by the end of the day I’m so upset all I want to do is go home, ignore everything I need to do (I’m usually a very productive person) and sit in front of the TV and zone out. I’ve even been known to take a few days off because I’m still in such a bad mood. It just seems like a domino effect when some aspect of my day falls apart, i.e. getting a parking ticket, finding out a client has reversed his decision and the project I’ve been working on for weeks is no longer needed, etc. I don’t understand why everything else goes bad once my day gets headed in the wrong direction. I’m not a superstitious person but I cannot shake the idea that I’m powerless to stop the day from completely tanking, turning into a nightmare and feeling like the worst day ever. Why does this happen to me?
-Downhill Dave in Mukilteo
Dear Dave,
Yuck. Sounds like you believe you are in quicksand and, in a way, you are! Because you BELIEVE you are powerless to change the direction of your day you continue to perceive every new event in the worst light, trapping you deeper and deeper in the muck of negativity. On another day, when you haven’t already decided things are going wrong I’ll bet if you were to get a parking ticket, for example, you might see it as an inconvenient hassle but not catastrophic.
Here are some ways to approach the events of a potentially bad day:
1. Check in with yourself after the first event to see what your negative expectations are for the rest of the day. Are you anticipating disaster and thus finding it everywhere? In other words, are you creating a self- fulfilling prophesy?
2. Are you distorting events, making them worse than they truly are? Cognitive distortions play a big part in how we feel about events and ourselves. If you are making comments after getting a parking ticket, for example, like “great, now my day is ruined!” How can it not be? You’ve just set yourself up for a nasty day. Watch out for exaggerations that you are buying into with words like: ruined, awful, worst, always, never, etc. Typically, events don’t actually fall into these categories.
3. Are there any advantages that come from having a bad day? I know this sounds strange but usually there is some sort of payoff to our thinking be it positive or negative. You mentioned that you are usually very productive? Could it be that having a bad day is a way you can give yourself permission to chill out and not think or do anything for a little while? Allowing yourself some downtime even when things are going well may be a way to diminish a subconscious need for bad days just so you can check out for a little while.
4. An alternative tack if you just can’t turn your thinking around would be to simply accept the day’s bad events and say to yourself, “yup, crummy day-no big deal. So what. I’ve gotten through this before and I’ll get through it again.” Sometimes, just accepting the “inevitable” gives us room to let go, stop trying to control the situation and move through the negativity faster than if we’re fighting it and actually aggravating the situation .
Here’s to better days ahead.
Monday, June 9, 2008
New Marriage, Same Old Problems
Dear Sheila,
I am a year into my second marriage. I was careful to pick someone very different than my first wife. My first wife turned out to be a horrible woman and we fought constantly. What I can’t understand is how my second wife is now beginning to act like my first wife! Even our arguments are beginning to sound like arguments I had with my first wife. How could I have been so wrong a second time when I was so careful to pick someone different than wife #1?
-Duped in Mukilteo
Dear Duped,
All is not lost. Your repeat performance is giving you a second chance to recognize what you didn’t in your first marriage: you and your wife are equally responsible for the state of your marriage. You have together co-created your relationship.
First of all, it is important to understand the stages of relationship. When we first get involved we experience Romantic Love. Our partners are idealized and we see only the good qualities in them. This process of falling in love involves not only our hearts but our minds, too! So much dopamine (along with a few other feel good chemicals) is coursing through our brains that we feel euphoric, like we can take on the world. This stage of the relationship bonds individuals into becoming a couple and can last (approximately) 2 months to 2 years.
Once the couple unconsciously recognizes that the relationship is secure, they moves into the next stage of the relationship called The Power Struggle. This sounds like where you got stuck in your last marriage and where you are in your current marriage.
The good news is that The Power Struggle is a normal part of the relationship process and is growth trying to happen. Many couples assume they’ve reached an impasse at this point in their relationship or that they’ve chosen the wrong partner, etc. but actually, if they can learn to navigate through this stage, the relationship reaches a new level of intimacy with a deepened understanding of one another and a greater sense of caring and empathy. This is what some call Real Love.
A first step in working through The Power Struggle is to begin looking at your part in the relationships dynamic. If you can work on changing yourself, it will impact the relationship as a whole and since you only have control over what YOU do, it is a very good place to start to improve your marriage.
Each of you can begin by asking yourselves and each other these questions:
1) What is it like to be married to me?
2) Do I meet my partner’s needs?
3) How can I be a better partner to my spouse?
Empathy alone can go a long way to improving the quality of a relationship.
On a deeper level, it is important to understand that in relationships we re-enact what we haven’t resolved from our childhood and unconsciously choose as a partner THE VERY PERSON who can trigger our wounds! Yeah, sounds like a terrible thing but actually this is part of the human drive towards wholeness and an effort to heal those old wounds.
Coming from an Imago Marriage Counseling orientation, I believe relationships improve when couples begin to understand how they trigger each other’s wounds and start an open dialogue without shaming, blaming or criticizing. The more intentional the dialogue, the less reactionary it will become so that each person can fully express what they need to feel safe, supported and loved in the relationship.
If you find it hard to create this dialogue alone an Imago Couples Counselor can help you learn how to communicate better, increase compassion and empathy and start to develop the relationship that you want for your life.
Happy New Year,
Sheila Jalali
(Sheila Jalali has a private counseling Practice in Old Town at 627 5th Street, Suite 203 in Mukilteo. She can be reached at (425) 244-2565 or by email at Sheila@JalaliCounseling.com. Put “Permission” on the subject line. She welcomes questions and comments. Learn more about her counseling practice on her website www.jalalicounseling.com.)
I am a year into my second marriage. I was careful to pick someone very different than my first wife. My first wife turned out to be a horrible woman and we fought constantly. What I can’t understand is how my second wife is now beginning to act like my first wife! Even our arguments are beginning to sound like arguments I had with my first wife. How could I have been so wrong a second time when I was so careful to pick someone different than wife #1?
-Duped in Mukilteo
Dear Duped,
All is not lost. Your repeat performance is giving you a second chance to recognize what you didn’t in your first marriage: you and your wife are equally responsible for the state of your marriage. You have together co-created your relationship.
First of all, it is important to understand the stages of relationship. When we first get involved we experience Romantic Love. Our partners are idealized and we see only the good qualities in them. This process of falling in love involves not only our hearts but our minds, too! So much dopamine (along with a few other feel good chemicals) is coursing through our brains that we feel euphoric, like we can take on the world. This stage of the relationship bonds individuals into becoming a couple and can last (approximately) 2 months to 2 years.
Once the couple unconsciously recognizes that the relationship is secure, they moves into the next stage of the relationship called The Power Struggle. This sounds like where you got stuck in your last marriage and where you are in your current marriage.
The good news is that The Power Struggle is a normal part of the relationship process and is growth trying to happen. Many couples assume they’ve reached an impasse at this point in their relationship or that they’ve chosen the wrong partner, etc. but actually, if they can learn to navigate through this stage, the relationship reaches a new level of intimacy with a deepened understanding of one another and a greater sense of caring and empathy. This is what some call Real Love.
A first step in working through The Power Struggle is to begin looking at your part in the relationships dynamic. If you can work on changing yourself, it will impact the relationship as a whole and since you only have control over what YOU do, it is a very good place to start to improve your marriage.
Each of you can begin by asking yourselves and each other these questions:
1) What is it like to be married to me?
2) Do I meet my partner’s needs?
3) How can I be a better partner to my spouse?
Empathy alone can go a long way to improving the quality of a relationship.
On a deeper level, it is important to understand that in relationships we re-enact what we haven’t resolved from our childhood and unconsciously choose as a partner THE VERY PERSON who can trigger our wounds! Yeah, sounds like a terrible thing but actually this is part of the human drive towards wholeness and an effort to heal those old wounds.
Coming from an Imago Marriage Counseling orientation, I believe relationships improve when couples begin to understand how they trigger each other’s wounds and start an open dialogue without shaming, blaming or criticizing. The more intentional the dialogue, the less reactionary it will become so that each person can fully express what they need to feel safe, supported and loved in the relationship.
If you find it hard to create this dialogue alone an Imago Couples Counselor can help you learn how to communicate better, increase compassion and empathy and start to develop the relationship that you want for your life.
Happy New Year,
Sheila Jalali
(Sheila Jalali has a private counseling Practice in Old Town at 627 5th Street, Suite 203 in Mukilteo. She can be reached at (425) 244-2565 or by email at Sheila@JalaliCounseling.com. Put “Permission” on the subject line. She welcomes questions and comments. Learn more about her counseling practice on her website www.jalalicounseling.com.)
Saturday, October 6, 2007
HeraldNet: Minds Are Her Matter
Melissa Santos / Herald writerAs a psychotherapist, it's Sheila Jalali's job to ask the kind of questions that help people understand themselves better.
It's a talent Jalali always had, but she took many years to decide to pursue it as a career.
Between graduating from college in 1986 and opening her private counseling practice in Mukilteo two years ago, Jalali worked a number of different jobs, none of which she felt was her true calling.
Eventually, she decided to go back to school and get her master's degree in psychology so she could take up the career she'd always wanted.
"No matter what job I took, I always felt like I wasn't utilizing my true abilities," Jalali said. "(Going back to school) is what I always wanted to do but didn't always have the confidence for. I think there was a point where I realized I was just going to get older not doing what I wanted, and it was worth trying and taking the risk."
Now she's moving into a larger office in her building so she can offer her patients group therapy and continue doing the work she loves.
"This is my passion and I believe in it," she said. "I believe that people can improve their lives and therapy can help."
Pay range: According to state salary surveys, marriage and family therapists in Washington earn a median salary of about $40,000 a year. Jalali said counselors with private practices usually make about $45,000 a year.
Hours: Flexible. Jalali said she generally works anytime between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m., with some evenings and weekends depending on client needs.
Three things she loves about her job: "One of the things I love is just seeing the way people develop and how much their lives improve. It's so interesting to see how they change and heal. It's always amazing to think I have a hand in that.
"It's really challenging. It takes all my training and experience and intelligence to do this work, and I enjoy that.
"You can do this work until you're too old to remember the way to your office. Therapists just get better at what they do with age."
Career path: After earning her bachelor's degree in sociocultural anthropology from the University of Washington, Jalali began working at an advertising agency. She went on to work a string of different jobs, including barista, clothing store manager, veterinary technician and library page. Eventually she decided to go back to school to earn her master's degree in psychology, finding employment at Northwest Youth Services and Compass Health while working to establish her private practice.
"I thought I was going to study tribes in the Africa bush, and I went a completely different direction," Jalali said. "I truly believe that all those years of struggling make me a better therapist because I understand how hard it is to make one's way in this world and find your passion."
Where she'll go from here: She's moving into a larger office that will allow her to hold group therapy sessions for people with depression and eating disorders, as well as workshops for couples who want to improve their communication skills. Ultimately, she just wants to keep helping people through their problems, she said.
Hometown: Seattle.
Education: Bachelor's degree in sociocultural anthropology from the University of Washington; master's degree in psychology from Seattle University.
Family: Her husband, Dr. Amir Jalali, is a spine specialist at the Everett Clinic. They have two pets: Jake, a 41/2-pound Chihuahua, and Mac, a 14-pound cat who thinks he's a mountain lion, she said.
Guilty pleasure: "Buying ceramic pots for my nasty gardening habit and Baskin-Robbins chocolate ice cream."
Why plays her in the movie of her life? "It would have to be someone quirky who can be funny and silly and still pull off a serious role: Minnie Driver."
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